little reminders

In the process of writing a book review of Twilight - yeah yeah, biggest nerd ever - I came across a remnant of my old ways of thinking hiding in the draft archives in tumblr. Although it has been months since I have felt anywhere remotely like this, I feel as though I need to publish this if only to show myself that saying this to myself and then hiding it from the world doesn’t make it okay…

New leaf

Stopped tumbling for quite a while, disappointed that I did. Tumbling is my therapy to some degree, so without it I think I started to snap. Even worse, when I did tumbl it was simply a reflection of my feelings at the given moment - a place to vent and tell an empty shell how angry, sad, confused and depressed I felt. Things are different today and they were different yesterday… I hope they stay this way. 

Things sucked for a long time. Life felt like a chore, something I was supposed to do but didn’t want to anymore. Being in love with someone was a struggle and the only triumph I really ever had was if I could make it a day without a fight. I felt irrevocably broken. It probably came a lot from me, but it certainly didn’t help to have my fears confirmed. I’m crazy and he had no problem telling me I was… 

I am happy I don’t think this way and have never been more relieved to know that I am not crazy and better, I wasn’t really in love… or if I was it wasn’t worth my pain.